Let's Talk About Sex.

Sex is great and essential for a real connection, but have you tried truly connecting with another person in multi dimensional ways, first? Much more meaningful to be "intimate" as in a safe held container and be able to share one's truth, without gaslighting ridicule, sharpness or off handed sarcasm. Sex becomes an expression of your complete intimacy versus a one dimensional substitute for it. Many emotionally illiterate people use sex to escape real intimacy. Go to the root of why you may fear emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Replace a surface level "one track" physical addiction with a more subtle and nuanced emotional connection. 

Result?
Deeper, more fulfilling sex.
And holistic life.

Sex is often used to mask emotional voids.
Sex is often used to avoid digging a little deeper into pre existing psychological patterns and conditioning.
Sex is often used as an easy, superficial substitute for a deeper heart to heart connection.
That is why the transactional, legal and safe sex worker industry exists.
A business deal where both get their needs met.
But romantically intimate and emotionally connected relationships between consenting adults are not business deals nor a simple one dimensional trade off where sex and money is the currency.

The deeper an emotional emptiness, the more ignorance of the True Self, the more insatiable the desire for just "sex" as a transactional, hedonistic mechanical release. Sex is used as a substitute for authentic human connection. The first Sex Act is often used to define when a "relationship" becomes a relationship, meaning there was only a void there before that first sexual attachment. Whereas True intimacy requires opening up the whole person, being vulnerable, raw and honest and not just mechanically rubbing bodies against bodies for a short term hormone release, with or without a mutual climactic outcome. The square peg fitting the round hole comes to mind, where if you have to force the "relationship", or if genuine, deeper emotional involvement is absent, no one enjoys the mechanical attachment, no matter the mutual consent. Unless the "relationship" actually is just a surrogate business deal and exchange of cash for pleasure or mutual fuck buddy pleasure is the agreed expectation. And there is NOTHING morally bankrupt about two or more consenting adults just being fuck buddies. It happens all the time. But in a committed relationship, where a deeper multi dimensional emotional connection is a desired outcome for one but not the other, there will either be a rapid dissolution and ending of the fuck buddy arrangement, or a tension to tension, crisis to crisis high and low wildly swinging energy that brings the relationship to an unhappy ending. Which may take months of misaligned sex only, or stretch into years of pretending to be emotionally connected, but in reality only attached through the superficialty of sex. Hook up apps exist for this purpose and promote attached sex first, and then see if a deeper, true emotional connection can be created once any adolescent, superficial lust is released. Often it is just a mndless hook up for sex, that both parties agree to, others times a committed intimate "relationship" can emerge out of the initial sexual act. The role of "sex" is determined by the needs and priorities of both consenting adults.

Let's talk more about how sex can be used to escape or avoid emotional intimacy.

Sexual connection is a beautiful way to build deeper bonds and to create trust. But it can also be a way to create distrust and and to avoid facing parts of ourselves. But many people only know (and only feel comfortable) connecting with another person sexually. Opening up, being vulnerable, and holding space for another person's emotions can be overwhelming and terrifying. Sex becomes a distraction or a way to avoid the deeper issues, difficult conversations, or dysfunctional patterns. It's an emotional bandaid rather than a way to express love to another person. 

This can be a challenge for their partner who needs emotional intimacy to desire sex. It can push partners father away, with both feeling rejected or unwanted. Some people define their self worth by how sexually desirable they are to other people. 

This chronic need for external validation can create risky sexual behavior or infidelity because a sense of self only comes through sexual connection. 

Here's some important questions to ask ourselves: 

outside of sex, am I comfortable connecting with people? 

can I share parts of myself openly? 

can I talk about how I feel and listen to how other people feel even when it's difficult? 

when there's conflict is sex the (only) form of repair I'm comfortable with? 

do I keep relationships with people where our only way of connecting is sexual even though I want more? 

Have YOU ever been in a relationship with a person who viewed sex as the main (or only) way to connect? 

Most of us have been in superficial relationships of all kinds. 

Superficial sexuality is probably the most destructive... because it is the ultimate vulnerability. 

It seems to me that for avoidants (Attachment Style), sex is only about sex; and, not an enhancer of intimacy and connection. 

That person was incapable of any other form of intimacy, incapable of sharing or caring. 

Yet they constantly complained of feeling 'alone'. 

That's what happens when you're incapable of emotional maturity and real connection. 

I think that people have made it a norm to just have sex early on in an attachment, they associate sex with a superficial co dependent attachment and call it a "relationship" but never desire or even see the point of a deeper somatic connection. The practice of how this whole somatic connection, NOT just a sexual attachment, can elevate an intentional and fully conscious relationship is no where on their as yet, limited radar. 

Do I keep relationships with people where our only way of connecting is sexual even though I want more? This can be a challenge for their partner who needs emotional intimacy to desire sex. I think it's so important for everyone to ask themselves these questions. 

• When you only feel desired sexually or even less, do you feel used sexually? 

• Do you truly want sex with this person or do you know that's exactly what they want and expect from you ? 

• Do you hope it can turn into more? That you can turn a primarily sexual relationship into a full-blown one. 

• Do you feel trapped in a cycle of people who only want sex, so you'd be alone and with zero connection or intimacy if it wasn't for a sexual one? 

• Do you understand what you need outside of the bedroom to feel desire ? 

• If you never feel fully desired, emotionally safe & with a giving partner sexually, why are you doing it and what exactly are you getting from it? 

• Are you doing it to satisfy "the other" because they wouldn't stick around if you say no ? 

I had to sit with myself and ask if I even understood why & what I wanted and what I was doing to myself going against it 

(for the ex: having sex to please them but I felt completely disconnected on other areas)-- 

& the emotional damage it was costing me.