Comfort and Convenience? Familiar Bonds or Authentic Relationships? Superficial Surface or Emotional Depth? Dr. Nicole LePera ~ Clinical Psychologist at The Holistic Psychologist

Via Dr Nicole LePera Phd 

Relationships in Boredom

"My entire life I always had this feeling that confused me within my family. I heard over and over again that we were a close family. And we were—in physical proximity. Always around each other. Always sharing space, always calling to check in.

But I always felt like I was around familiar strangers. I always felt alone. I never fully felt seen. It was a loneliness I’d known since childhood.

We had a bond, but we didn’t have emotional depth. 

We didn’t communicate about our experiences. 

Our connection usually came through shared states of crisis, chaos, or shared worry. 

Or, through teasing each other. 

A way that many people who have issues connecting emotionally attempt connection.

I remember one day my sister said “you never tell us anything” and I blamed myself. 

She was right. I didn’t share much of myself. The emotional climate just didn’t have that space. 

We didn’t invest in each other in that way. We didn’t know how. No one ever asked about each other’s experiences beyond surface questions.

A relationship is different than a bond. 

A relationship includes that emotional investment.

Both parties attempt to see and hear the other. 

Connection is made through genuine interest in the persons experience.

This can be confusing to navigate because bonds can feel very superficially close. 

We can even create ego narratives that protect us from the lack of authentic connection. 

We may tell ourselves we “should” feel things we don’t feel and shame ourselves for the lack of connection.

Relationships allow for an awareness of a persons experiences and inner emotional world. 

They allow for vulnerability, openness and safety. 

Boundaries, clear communication and core needs are present.

It can be helpful to understand that nothing is wrong with sharing bonds with people. 

Bonds can also provide a feeling of safety and security.

It’s is just helpful to be conscious of what relationships can and cannot meet our deep emotional needs.

This emotional awareness allows us to choose where (and how much/often) we invest our time and energy." 

#selfhealers #ssy

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So many of you are resonating with my last post on bonds vs. relationships. Specifically, how you can feel or be told that you have a “close family” yet you feel like familiar strangers. Something I’ve always experienced and couldn’t really put words to. Authentic relationships have an important distinction: there is an emotional connection, a wanting of a deep “knowing” of another person. There’s clear communication, boundaries, an openness, + a safety between two people. Of course to have authentic relationships we have to have the skills of emotional regulation, communication around mutual needs, + commitment to emotional vulnerability. Skills many of us don’t have because we’ve never been modeled them. All things that can be learned. Without these emotional connections, we struggle to connect to others. It may even feel confusing like we “should” feel closer because we spend so much time with someone. Or have known them for so long. Our need to connect to other human beings is hardwired in our DNA, so when we aren’t emotionally connected, we don’t stop seeking that connection. We find other ways to seek it. Ways that are attempts to find connections that can be hurtful or confusing. Do you feel connected emotionally in your relationships? Or is there room for work to be done? #selfhealers

A post shared by Dr. Nicole LePera (@the.holistic.psychologist) on Apr 4, 2020 at 7:04pm PDT